888888ba 88888888b 888888ba 888888ba 88 `8b 88 88 `8b 88 `8b 88 88 a88aaaa a88aaaa8P' a88aaaa8P' 88 88 88 88 `8b. 88 88 .8P 88 88 88 88 8888888P 88888888P dP dP dP ...PROUDLY PRESENTS... @@@@@@@@ @@@ @@@@@@@@ @@@ @@@ @@@@@@@ @@@ @@@ @@@ @@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@ @@@ @@@@@@@@@ @@@ @@@ @@@@@@@ @@@ @@@@ @@@ @@@@@@@@@ @@! @@! !@@ @@! @@@ @@! @@! @@!@!@@@ !@@ !@! !@! !@! !@! @!@ !@! !@! !@!!@!@! !@! @!!!:! !!@ !@! @!@!@ @!@!@!@! @!! !!@ @!@ !!@! !@! @!@!@ !!!!!: !!! !!! !!@!! !!!@!!!! !!! !!! !@! !!! !!! !!@!! !!: !!: :!! !!: !!: !!! !!: !!: !!: !!! :!! !!: :!: :!: :!: !:: :!: !:! :!: :!: :!: !:! :!: !:: :: :: ::: :::: :: ::: :: :: :: :: ::: :::: : : :: :: : : : : : : :: : :: :: : @@@ @@@ @@@ @@@@@@ @@@@@@@ @@@@@@@ @@@@@@ @@@ @@@ @@@ @@@ @@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@ @@@ @@! @@! @@! @@! @@@ @@! @@@ @@! @@@ !@@ @@! !@! !@! !@! !@! @!@ !@! @!@ !@! @!@ !@! !@ @!! !!@ @!@ @!@ !@! @!@!!@! @!@ !@! !!@@!! @!@ !@! !!! !@! !@! !!! !!@!@! !@! !!! !!@!!! !!! !!: !!: !!: !!: !!! !!: :!! !!: !!! !:! :!: :!: :!: :!: !:! :!: !:! :!: !:! !:! :!: :::: :: ::: ::::: :: :: ::: :::: :: :::: :: :: :: : : : : : : : : : :: : : :: : : ::: APPEARING IN THIS ISSUE: 1 - Ric Beauty 2 - Tracy Hudson 3 - Nerd Power Collective 4 - Bateman -- CURRENT DERP 24/7 CHAMPION 5 - "All Action" Denny Latimer 6 - "Black Jesus" Ryan Faith 7 - The Mighty Quinn! 8 - Cow n Chicken -- CURRENT DERP STEEL CITY TAG CHAMPS 9 - The Merry Pranksters ^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^* [Operating the computer of your choice, one accesses Youtube.com, specially the DERP channel. On it is a video of the latest episode of "Fighting Words!" With one click of the mouse, the awesomness begins.] ^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^ 1 - RIC BEAUTY ^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^ [Ric Beauty stands in front of Greener Pastures, an old age home in Butler a small town just north of Pittsburgh. Ric stops and looks at the building. He finally takes a deep breath and walks up and sits on a bench in front, beside a man who is easily ... older than Ric, so old.] OLD MAN: Hey there young fella. RIC: Hey. OLD MAN: Visiting someone? RIC: No, thinking about coming here, you know to live. OLD MAN: [confused] You don't look old enough to come here. RIC: I feel like it. OLD MAN: The food sucks. But most of us don't got enough teeth to eat it. [The old man gets a kick out of himself] RIC: What did you do before you came here old timer? OLD MAN: Young man, once you are here... it don't matter what you did out there. [Ric looks at the camera] OLD MAN: Has the camera guy been here the whole time? RIC: Kian Konga is next, many would say he is next to beat me. You know what, I came here today feeling sorry for myself. I have had one hell of a time in DERP. OLD MAN: Watch the cursing there. RIC: I have had my ass kicked each and every time the lights have gone down, I have been knocked down and knocked out. But you know what? I ain't done. Not by a long shot. To many guys define themselves by the past, they want to tell you all about what they have done. Well that don't matter one God damned bit. OLD MAN: I said watch the cursing! RIC: What matters is what happens next. NEXT! And Konga you are next. See this building. [Ric points to the old age home] I ain't walking into this building. Knock me out Konga. Hit me with a chair Manning. Kill me Ikuto! I am not going away. I will rage against the dying of my career. And if this is the end, I am going out in a blaze of glory. A blaze of MOTHER [The old man jumps up, he is spry for his age, and covers Rics mouth] OLD MAN: Watch the cursing, please. [Ric looks into his eyes, his dead eyes. Ric takes a deep breath and out of respect he calms himself down] [Ric helps the man sit back down, he shakes his hand and begins to walk away from the home] RIC: [looks over his shoulder] A BLAZE OF MOTHER FUCKING GLORY!!! [....] OLD MAN: Damn young kids these days. [fade] ^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^ 2 - TRACY HUDSON ^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^ [It is late afternoon at Point State Park in Pittsburgh. In the back ground, we can see the bastion of Fort Pitt as the sun shines from behind it. Standing in front of all of this is Tracy Hudson. He is lazily seated on a bench, and were it not for the cigarette he occasionally raises to his lips, one could mistake him for being asleep. As the camera approaches, Hudson turns his head languidly to face it.] HUDSON: So, it appears as though a man's work is never done. [Hudson flashes a weary grin.] HUDSON: But that's alright. I know what I signed on for here in Pittsburgh. And let's be quite honest here- If it were any different, I'd have gone elsewhere. And yet it feels odd having to fight my way back from the bottom. It feels like I'm a rookie all over again. Which leads us to Bateman...get it? See what I did there? He's a rookie, so I went...nevermind. If I haveta explain it, it's not really all that funny now is it? [Hudson rolls his eyes at his feeble attempt at levity, then tosses his smoke away.] HUDSON: So yeah...Bateman. Well, one thing I can say about the kid, and I'll just get it out of the way right now- It's probably a REAL good thing his manservant doesn't address him as "Master". Otherwise, his promos would be interesting on a whole other level. [Small chuckle as Hudson...lights up another smoke.] HUDSON: But, let's put all joking aside, yeah? Look, Bateman. Here's the thing. I've seen you fight, kid. And let's harbor no illusions here- You're scary good at fighting, and you got some polish out there in the ring... ...But you and I both know that alone ain't gonna cut it now, do you? I mean, Faith and Quinn learned this about me last time I stepped into that ring. And now you're gonna learn: To beat me, son, you're gonna need all of your focus right here [Points to himself with his thumbs, a la RVD]. And you're gonna need to come at me with every bit of strength that you have. All of your cunning. Every last drop of desire...you're going to have to lay EVERYTHING on line with me, Bateman. Question is, can you do it? [Hudson chuckles a bit before answering on Bateman's behalf.] HUDSON: Heh...you and I both know you can't. Poor kid- you got so much on your plate right now, I'd be surprised if you're even at fifty per cent when you get into that ring with me. After all, you have that twenty four-seven title. As long as you got that, you might as well paint a big ol' bullseye right on your damn forehead. Which reminds me, he's probably gonna want that title back. And you already know he'll come after it. Or Black...or Latimer...or Wilkes...hell, one of those fucking nerds might even try to get it from you! You know, that last one I'd pay to see, actually. [Hudson gives an affirmative nod.] HUDSON: So then Bateman, you're a helluva wrestler. And in time, you're gonna be a big name. [He now shakes his head.] HUDSON: But against me? Not now, kid... [Camera zooms in on Hudson as he smirks.] HUDSON: ...Not today. ^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^ 3 - BATEMAN ^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^ [The scene opens to Bateman's hotel room and he is dressed in a nice suit, white shirt, black gloves, and a plain black mask. The lights are low and we can the Bateman is staring out of the large window. The sun is rising out the window and you can see that the bed is undisturbed. Across from the bed is a dresser with a television turned on to the news. Then in the corner of the room on a table is the DERP Twenty-Four Seven Championship! Bateman's voice comes out low and hoarse.] "Tracy Hudson?" [Bateman shakes his head and looks back over the Steel City.] "You, sir, have almost ten years of life on myself. I have only been an active professional 'wrestler' for a short time where you have been doing this for years. But where you seem to be still be trying to find you nitche here, where I am, if I may say so myself, thriving in this asylum!" [Bateman reaches over and picks up his gold. The belt is strapped close and he holds the center with both hands as the side plate sit across his forearms. As the sun hits the belt is shoots a gold reflection onto the ceiling and the wall to the right of Bateman.] "I outlasted you in the battle royal, I am now officially at two time Twenty- Four Seven Champion, and have a few wins under my belt here. Now I know The Blue Weenie isn't a threat to anyone, but I made my presence know in that battle royal and I put Marima out indefinitely. You seemed to have been caught off guard by a child in your last match. So why should be worried about you?" [A knock comes from the door and Bateman seems to zone out.] - [The room is dark but as things a just you can see the making of a messy bedroom. The comforter on the bed is slowly moving around and a soft, woman's giggle can be heard.] "Pat!" [A soft hand comes out of the bed and picks up a small wrist watch.] "It's 7 a.m.! I need to get to my apartment and get ready for class." "Oh come on! I don't have anything for hours and you know you rather be here with me for a few more hours." "I'm sorry I have to g....." [A quick knock comes from the bedroom door and a man's voice comes threw.] "Hey Pat! You up?" [Pat throws the comforter off his head and sits up with a scowl across his face. He jumps out of the bed grabs a Texas Cowboy shirt and makes his way to the door. He cracks the door to the face of a man with long, shaggy hair, a big un- kept beard, and dressed in old shorts and leather sandals.] "What the fuck is up?" [A smile cuts through the beard. As he whispers.] "That crazy blond you went out with a few weeks ago is at the door and I know you are going to want to hear this." [Pat turns and looks at the brunette in his bed.] "Give me a few minutes before you rush out of here?" [She shakes her head in a "yes" manner. Pat then walks past the bearded man and though a messy living room. He steps on an original x-box controller and stubbles a few steps. The bearded man sits in the middle of a zebra printed couch and lights up something skunky. Pat turns and smiles as he reaches the front door.] "Wasting no time this morning? Don't smoke it all, what's his face is out of town till next week." [With that he opens the door to an upset blonde, she pushes past him and into the messy living room. After a quick look around the room she turns back to Pat as he closes the door.] "I'm pregnant!" "Congratulations?" [Pat puts his hands up to implies "what do you want me to do?" The woman throws her purse down and crosses her arms.] "OK, so I guess with you being here you think its mine? And to let you know I want kids, so with a blood test to confirm me as the father, I will happily pay you a large child support and take it every other weekend and a few weeks out of the summer." "I have a fiance, you were just a good time. I'm not going to be attached to you for the next 18 years!" [Pat, with a confused look on his face, just stands there with a cloud of smoke past by him. The bearded roommate sit just watching with a smile across his face.] "Why are you here then?" "I just found out last night and I think if I can sleep with my fiance, I can convince him its his child. He is in California and I need you to pay for the ticket!" "Really? I will take care of my kid, if it is my kid! You don't have to lie to this guy." "No way will I let you, the womanizing, spoiled brat, have anything to do with raising my child." [Pat's bedroom door fly open and a pissed off woman wakes over to Pat. She is still pulling he top down as she slaps him across the face!] "You told me I was special and you didn't just sleep around!" "Oh come on!" [She walks to the door and as she slams it shut Pat heard] "Go fuck yourself!" [Clearly high off his ass, the bearded man just laughs. Pat turns back to the pregnant blonde.] "Thank you!" [She looks a bit upset.] "I'm sorry, I don't want to have anything else to do with you but I didn't mean to mess up your good time.] "No really, thank you very much. She was great in bed but I had a feeling she was going to be clingy." [Her face goes back to looking disgusted.] "Are you going to help me?" [Pat walks to the kitchen and opens a drawer. He pulls out a roll of money and hands her several bills.] "If you change your mind, I will take care of my child. But only if a blood test proves it to be mine!" [She shakes her head, grabs the money from him, walks out the door, and as it closes Pat hears.] "Go fuck yourself!" [Pat just laughs, as he falls on the couch. He puts his hand over to his hippish roommate and waits for his to hand him something. After a few seconds of nothing, he looks over to another smile.] "Really, Irwin? Our dealer is out of town till next week..." [They both start to laugh.] - [Fletcher walks into Bateman's room.] "Good, you're up. I think I have found you a nice apartment, so we can get out of hotels when we are up here." [Bateman turns around still holding on to the Twenty-Four Seven Championship. His voice is still low and hoarse.] "Mark my words, Fletcher, Tracy Hudson will not beat me in our match! Not on Wednesday, not ever! I have lost many things but I will not lose to that blue hair menace!" [Fletcher, a bit confused, just shakes his head.] "No, no you wont lose boss!" ^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^ 5 - DENNY LATIMER ^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^ (As per usual, "All Action" Denny Latimer, replete with stubble, widow’s peak and a general sense of world-weariness. He’s wearing a slightly out-of-date Ben Sherman shirt and a pair of tracksuit bottoms. His cast looks the cleanest part of him. He looks annoyed.) DL: Can I tell an anecdote? I mean, apparently everyone around this company fancies themselves as a bit of a comedian so I thought maybe I’d try to make some of that HBO special money. Back where I come from, back in Bradford, there was this... we call ‘em tramps in England, I think you call ‘em hoboes over here. Anyway, there was this tramp and he’d been there since.. well, since I was a little ‘un and probably since my dad was strolling around town center in flares. (He smiles to himself) DL: Anyway, this tramp. White Lightning Pete they call him. White Lightning is this proper knockout juice that the homeless drink in Bradford, just methylated spirits pretending to be cider. And whenever he made enough begging, borrowing or stealing to buy a bottle he’d down it in about three minutes and spend the next six hours dancing through town center, singing, laughing, serenading people. He stank of fucking shit, but the townsfolk loved him because he was a bit of a personality. Bit of a character. And after he’d done his little variety act, he’d pass out unconscious in a bus shelter or alleyway somewhere. Anyway, the years slowly caught up with Pete and his entertainment act got more and more disturbing. Frightening. Worrying even. This was a man clearly ravaged by problems, a man who had issues he needed to look into. And eventually, on the cover of the local newspaper: "LEGENDARY LOCAL VAGRANT DIES." Did he get a decent burial? I doubt it. Probably just chucked into a pit somewhere with two lollipop sticks crossed over for a headstone. (Forms the sign of the cross with his fingers. Looks dead into the camera.) DL: Do you see what I’m saying, O’Reilly? Is my parable getting through to that titanium thick skull of yours? You’re from the same background as White Lightning Pete. You like your drink. And when you’ve had a few, you like to come out there and interfere with people. People like me. And at first it’s entertaining. At first it gets you over. At first it gives people a reason to care about you. But now? The damage you did to me in that Stairway to Hell match? You look twisted. Confused. Desperate. You look like a psychopath, and not in the way this industry needs either. In the way that gets you sectioned in real life. Unfortunately this isn’t real life, this is wrestling. I can’t get a restraining order against you. I’ve got to shut you up myself. With my hands, with my mind, with the Landon Lock. This is a match for a shot at the title, a shot at that roly poly fuckwit who prances around as the champion of this joint. But I don’t care about that right now. That’s for Halloween, that’s something I’ll worry about when there’s candy bats in the stores. Right now I’m focused on getting rid of you. Right now I’m focused on making sure you can’t run around like you own the place, when really you don’t even have the cache to pay the rent. You earn things in this life, O’Reilly, and you’ve not earned the right to mix with the big boys. You’ve not earned the right to a title shot. You’ve earned the right to get put on the retirement list by me. So what I suggest you do is put whatever money you’ve got left and find some nice marble on eBay. Otherwise it’s going to be the two lollipop sticks for you. (Cut). ^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^ 6 - RYAN FAITH ^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^ [The opening cords to Marilyn Manson's "Personal Jesus" hit the air waves as the screen appeared to be a black and white riot of fuzz.] ## Your own personal Jesus ## Someone to hear your prayers ## Someone who cares ## Your own personal Jesus ## Someone to hear your prayers ## Someone who's there ## Feeling unknown ## And you're all alone ## Flesh and bone ## By the telephone ## Lift up the receiver ## I'll make you a believer [As the word believer finished the song suddenly stops. The screen goes black as a voice sounds off...] V/O: Do you believe? Do you believe in Faith? Ryan Faith... [With that the camera came back on showing "Black Jesus" Ryan Faith standing in front of the camera wearing his signature black robe. His hands clasped together as if he's in the middle of prayer, but obviously not as his baby blue eyes outlined with black eye liner looked directly into the camera.] "Black Jesus" Ryan Faith: People often look for something to believe in... Something to follow in order to give themselves a... [short pause]... Purpose. Because without a purpose most people believe that life means very little. Is it true? Or is it just an excuse for all the fat lazy people of the world? Sometimes I look for answers... [His eyes looked up and then back into the camera... Then back up and to the camera... And finally one last time up and then into the camera.] Faith: Do I get them... Not very often, but who's to say it's not a learning experience? Am I on a path? Am I meant to be something great? Case n' point, three way dance. Tracy Hudson, The Mighty Quinn!, and Myself had one hell of a match. [He paused for a split second as you could almost see anger to start filling his eyes. To the point you could almost imagine steam shooting out of his ears.] Faith: Fuck that! We didn't have one hell of a match. I did! I had the best match of my career! I had two men running for their lives because of the talent I hold within this body of mine. I went out and I pinned a seven foot tall baby seal eating Eskimo! Do you know how hard that can be for a guy that only stands five foot nine!? DO YOU!?!? I DON'T FUCKING THINK SO! [Ryan shook his head for a few seconds as his hands remain connected while he continued his rant.] Faith: And Tracy Hudson, congrats... You won a match. Good for you... In fact I'm proud of you. I mean you weren't out there riding my coat tales or anything. I mean it wasn't you that threw me through the air into the crowd only for me to hit my face on a god damn metal folding chair! Yeah, I mean I couldn't see out of my left eye, but hey, you won... No excuses from me. [He paused as an odd look over came his face. He shook his head quick as if to shake out the cob webs and pull himself back to where he wanted to be.] Faith: Like I was saying... Believing... Following a path in your life. So your life has purpose, well, I've looked for answers and I've asked. Both with words and with actions. And I've come to a conclusion. What you believe in... What you follow, and the path you lead are ALL on you. You and you alone control the path you take in life. And my path in life... It's leading me straight into The DERP Arena. Into the wrestling ring to stand face to... [Ryan stopped knowing he wouldn't be looking The Mighty Quinn! in the eye as he is over a foot shorter then the giant Eskimo.] Faith: ... standing across the ring from The Mighty Quinn! [A slight yet evil smirk began to grow across his face.] Faith: You're in for the time of your life... The time of your god damn mother fuckin' life! [With that the camera slowly began to fade as "Personal Jesus" began to slowly fade back in...] ^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^ 7 - THE MIGHTY QUINN! ^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^ "I l-l-l-l-lost......." [The scene opens up with the big seven foot tall Eskimo with his head in his hands, as he sits in the DERP locker room, still in his ring gear, sweat towel hung around his neck. Zimmerman paces in front of him, trying to find the 'nice' way to put things...] BZ: Everyone loses, bud! Even the best in the sport lose at on-- TMQ!: But g-g-g-giants do not lose... I am a s-s-s-sham... [Bob shakes his head, and plunks right down next to Quinn.] BZ: Even _GIANTS_ lose at this sport! That's why we are in Pittsburgh to begin with, you got to get your feet wet! TMQ!: But I was the c-c-cha-- BZ: I know, Quinn, but what did I tell you? When your the giant fish in a small pond, you are going to be at the top of the food chain! But now, buddy, your still a giant fish but in a GIANT pond! That balances things out! [Quinn lets out a big sigh, as he leans back was the lockers, causing the entire row to shake.] BZ: I warned you of this when you wanted to come down here. I told you that growing pains you will experience, and before things start to go good, you'll want to quit a thousand times over.... [Quinn nods.] BZ: So then you need to pick yerself up by the bootstraps, show these yinzers what type of man you are made of and go out there and punish Ryan Faith for what he's done! [A excited look over Quinn's face forms.] TMQ!: I cannot wait for the day for Faith to cross my path a-a-again! He will r- r-r-r-r-r-rue the day he decided to make a m-m-m-m-mockery out of me! For I am the Mighty Q... The Mighty Qui... Qui...... Qui... QUINN! QUINN AND BOB: ...and that means I'm too mighty for you! [Fade] ^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^ 8 - ^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^ ^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^ 9 - ^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^ ^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^ 10 - ^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^ ^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^ 11 - ^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^ ^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^ 12 - ^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^ ^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^ 13 - ^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^ ______________________________________________________ THOUGHTS? REACTIONS? SPEAK YOUR MIND RIGHT HERE: http://z13.invisionfree.com/DERP_Forum/index.php?showforum=4